Hiiiii. Remember when I wrote this post and then didn’t post again for 2 weeks? Maybe I don’t really want to start blogging again after all. 😉
But anyways, I wanted to write out some things that I’ve been thinking about a lot. Like processing-for-the-past-year-and-a-half thinking about. And if you are one of the people who has helped me work through these things, first, let me apologize for having to go through this again, but also THANK YOU for being such a lovely, caring friend to me. I truly am blessed with the most wonderful people in my life.
So, before we begin. Two things you should know about me: I need everyone to love me, and I am unhealthily preoccupied with being cool.
I know there are a lot of underlying reasons for those 2 facts (flaws?) about me, and I don’t really want to get into that on here. But here’s the thing: I am so tired of wasting my life trying to control what other people think about me. It is exhausting and hurting my soul. This is something I’ve been working on for quite a bit, but I feel like in the past few weeks, this same topic keeps standing out to me—in books I’m reading, conversations with friends, on Twitter (seriously). And I can’t help but believe that that is for a reason.
Like I said, I have really amazing people in my life, and I try my best to encourage them to love themselves and to live full, happy lives. But when it comes to my own life? I’m constantly trying to figure out what will make people love me more. Should I dye my hair black? Lose weight? Get covered in tattoos? Read books that I hate and listen to music that is honestly unlistenable? Those kinds of things. I’ve been absorbing other people’s energies and interests for so long that I think I’ve lost a little bit of myself in the process, and I don’t want that anymore. I want to be me, and I want to be happy—even if that means that I’m actually a huge nerd (like, not-in-the-cool-way nerd) and that some people don’t like me.
The other part of this is that I’m a big fan of social media, but I think it might be good to take a break. A breather. I think that being connected to people is awesome, but for me, right now, it’s just not a healthy thing. I want to take some time and live my life, and not worry about who’s tweeting some nonsense or posting vacation photos on Instagram. Am I going cold turkey? Probably not. But just less—that’s what I want to focus on.
If you made it through this whole post—thank you. It means a lot to me. And I hope that if you are feeling this way too, you’ll feel a little less alone or crazy. I want to leave you with this quote from Bill Bryson: “For you to be here now trillions of drifting atoms had somehow to assemble in an intricate and intriguingly obliging manner to create you. It’s an arrangement so specialized and particular that it has never been tried before and will only exist this once.”
I came across this a few months ago and it really struck me: We are fearfully and wonderfully made, we are loved, and life really is a miracle.